ISPCE, Protecting Elves Everywhere
by Huinesoron
Summary: The promised Ispace spinoff from Pancakes. Protect the Elves! Beat up everyone else! Yay!
1. Train of Thought

Well, here it is. The first chapter of the promised ISPCE spinoff. What is the world coming to, when an author starts doing spinoffs of his own stories? Ah, well, it's fun - for me and, I hope, for you.  
  
Disclaimer: I suppose, as I remembered this, I ought to put it in. Any Lord of the Rings references (of which there will be many . . .) or other Middle Earth stuff belong to . . . oh, you know, that guy . . . Tlokien? Oh, something like that. Any other fantasy universes belong to their respective authors. Liliac belongs to herself (I think) and is being used with permission, as is her hair. The Raven (for I'm sure she will appear in here somewhere) also belongs to herself. Dispute that at your peril. Most of the other stuff is mine, although I doubt I can actually claim to be the first one to use an interdimensional portal. Drat.  
  
So, without further ado, here it is.  
  
Liliac sat in the Assignments office - *her* office - at the headquarters of the Interdimensional Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves and thought. She had just returned from one of the many Middle Earth dimensions. There were thousands of them, ever since a third of the Earth dimensions had brought out the films of Tolkiens masterpiece and let the fangirls in. That was a terrible mistake, and she thoroughly approved of the universe in which any fangirls were put to death.  
  
In the universe she had just come from, Legolas had aquired an Ispace portal generator - they had given him one to prevent him wearing his legs out, once it had become clear he would be moving all over the world no matter what - and was throwing pancakes - no one knew how he learned about *them* - at everyone he met. Recently, however, he had been captured, and Liliac had sent her best agent, Merrylyn, in to assist the rescue operation, accompanied by Hethien, a trainee who was now ready to operate independantly.  
  
That had, as it turned out, been a mistake. Although Merrylyn had been to Middle Earth before, she had never been near Legolas. It transpired that, having come from an Earth on which the films existed, the girl had in fact been a Legolas fangirl. When they had found him, she had called down a horde of others like her from Earth, using pirated Ispace portals to transport them.  
  
The agent in question was now in the custody of the Society's capable Discipline department, and Liliac had no more time to worry about her. Hethien would have to pick up on her mentor's duties.  
  
But, of course, with the lack of experienced agents, that meant she would need to take on an assistant. Liliac made a mental note to check with Marcus in Training which recruits were ready for partner work, and then added another one to ask Mary down in Recruiting to slow down a little. The woman was working too hard.  
  
Liliac's mind wandered off on one of its famous tangents, and she wondered if Sarah down in Tech could come up with a device to cure fangirls of their affliction. The girl was, after all, a genius. She had invented the portal, the cloning machines . . . in fact, there was a rumour that she had caused the beginning of the Society itself. That when she had run the portal for the first time she had strayed into one of the fangirled Middle Earth dimensions and encountered a very disgruntled Glorfindel, who had had his horse stolen by some Mary Sue. After the pair of them had pursued the 'Sue to the Ford and killed her, Glorfindel came up with the Ispace organisation to prevent things like that happening again. Sarah had opened him a portal to an abandoned hollow mountain in the North of Middle Earth, and there he had set up the Society with himself at the head.  
  
But that was, of course, only a theory, and Liliac reluctantly brought herself back to the present. She really had to stop doing that. Sighing, she rose, and headed off to talk with Marcus. It was going to be a long day.  
  
* * * *  
  
That was short, I know. But we will get round to the elves part sooner or later. Honest. And those chapters will be longer.  
  
hS 


	2. Pointy and Platy

Here I am again!  
  
Liliac (fangirl in training): Of course I'll write more. Glad you like it.  
  
Writer From Rivendell: Well, I'm glad you like it.  
  
Merrylyn: If Ispace has a spinoff, that'll be the MEAPS story. Yes, you still have the brown cloak. And Liliac wants to recruit you for the MEAPS. Is this okay?  
  
Bulma Greenleaf: All my stories mix with each other, so there is a good chance we'll meet the Pancake Crew at some point. Glad you like it!  
  
The Noble Platypus: Yay for fangirl pain! Well, I think it's absolutely essential that we employ any platypi around, isn't it?  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Yeah, I guess I am. And when I publish my novel, I'll do the same. Okay, you can join the Society. Welcome aboard. Yay for the Z and the D!  
  
Malfoyelf: Yes, I want to live in that universe too. Yes, subtlety is the thing. Well, if a teacher cannot be eliminated by the axes of the dwarves (Khazad ai-menu!) then I guess Orodruin is the only choice. I'll continue!  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Poor you, all this confusion over reviews. //Reads the last line// Riiight . . . I have a friend who would like a word with you. Please go and read the last review of 'Pancakes' by Raven Firedragon. Thanks.  
  
Now we've got that replying business over with (Nah, I don't mind really) it's time for the story.  
  
Liliac entered Lecture Hall Three and stood against the back wall, her dark purple cloak allowing her to blend into the shadows. At the front of the large chamber, Marcus was standing on a podium, talking about the principle of Dimensional Split.  
  
". . . contrary to popular opinion, the splits in any given Dimension come not from war, political upheaval, or any such thing, but from works of fiction.  
  
"When an author writes a story, or tells it in any other way, that is not based on fact, this causes a split into two dimensions - one where the story was told, and one where it was not. Hence such universes as Middle Earth, where reading is an uncommon skill, have barely a dozen different, conflicting timelines, while Earth has countless millions.  
  
"But that is not all. A story written in one universe can affect another. And that is why the Middle Earth reality has, in recent times, been fractured into countless different strands. Since the release of the Lord Of The Rings movies in many of the Earth realities, many have taken up the practice of writing 'fan-fiction', stories of their own set in Middle Earth.  
  
"Each of these tales then splits the Middle Earth continuum in two, doubling the number of universes - one half in which the story occurred, and one in which it did not.  
  
"In your free time, I want you to use the Trans-dimensional computers to visit a storage place of these tales, a place called 'FanFiction.net', and find me an example of a fanfic that you believe has caused a great split in the Middle Earth reality. That is all."  
  
The class of Agents in training filed out, and Marcus wandered down to the back of the room. "Hi, Lili," he said as he approached. The yellow and brown haired girl sighed. "There's no way I can hide from you, is there?" she asked.  
  
"No, not really," came the reply. "I train people to spot those who are hiding, and I'm pretty good at it myself. What was it you were wanting?"  
  
Reluctantly, Liliac dragged her mind back to the business of the day. "One of our Agents, Merrylyn, showed fangirlish tendencies while on a mission. She's been taken off duty for a while."  
  
"Fangirlish tendencies?" Marcus grinned. "You mean she tried to jump on Legolas, don't you?" At Liliac's startled expression, he laughed. "I remember that girl. She did seem to have a thing for the Prince of Mirkwood. I assumed it would pass. After all, Mary found her, and she usually does a good job."  
  
Liliac looked at him. "Well, whatever happened, we need a new Agent. Have you got one ready to go?"  
  
The Trainer smiled. "As it happens, I do. Pointy Ears! I know you're there! Come out!"  
  
There was a rustling behind the curtains at the back of the room, and a girl stepped out, accompanied by some sort of small furry creature. Marcus nodded. "Liliac, this is Kjersti. For some unknown reasons she insists we refer to her as Pointy Ears Are My Thing. Pointy, this is Liliac, the Head of Assignments."  
  
The girl nodded at Liliac, who said, "Hello, Kjersti . . . I'm sorry, Pointy Ears. And I see you have a pet?"  
  
To her amazement, the strange furry thing - which had a beak, she noticed - said, irritably, "I am not a *pet*! I am the Noble Platypus!"  
  
Liliac blinked in surprise, and was glad that Pointy Ears covered her shock by saying, "Platy! She's the Head of Assignments! She could give us an actual *job*, please don't be rude to her!"  
  
Marcus smiled. "Platy is Pointy Ears' permanent partner. The girl has the tendency to get sidetracked a lot, so Platy is needed to keep her working properly. Apart from that, they're both good workers - although how Mary knew that the beast would be I don't know - and they're also all I've got ready at the moment. You think they'll do?"  
  
"I do indeed. Pointy, Platy, come with me. We've got a briefing for you."  
  
Liliac had found several missions that she could use to test the new Agent - or Agents - but the one that stood out the most was the Battle of the Five Armies. That had taken place in the era before the timeline of the Lord of the Rings movies, and so had less fanfics written about it, and less timeline splits. Helping the elves in just one would have a great effect.  
  
And, of course, there was another reason. She had an obligation to MEAPS, the Middle Earth Animal Protection Society, as well, and had been itching to get her hands on the lovely dragon, Smaug. If she could get Sarah from Tech to throw together a large portal generator, one of *her* operatives, the MEAPS ones, could accompany the team and retrieve the dragon. Then Sarah could get the Resurrector out and fix him up. Lovely.  
  
All decided, Liliac led the two Agents to her office for their official briefing.  
  
* * * *  
  
We should get round to the mission in the next chapter. Possibly the one after that, if it gets a little confusing. But anyway. Thanks to my wonderful Agents.  
  
hS 


	3. Preparations

Hey, I'm back!  
  
Liliac (head fangirl): I'm not sure if recruiting fangirls is a good idea . . . aw, hell, she'll moan if I don't. I'm glad you like it.  
  
Hirilnara: Yup, I am that. Well . . . I think it might be a little more dangerous to those in her immediate vicinity (that is, you) if I refuse to let her have the dragon. Not that I think she's a pyro or anything.  
  
Writer From Rivendell: I'm glad you like it. I did *try* not to make it too PPC-esque, but as two actual PPC agents have commented, I guess I failed. Drat. Now I'd just better hope they don't spot the Narnia influences in Pancakes . . . (Which don't actually exist, but hey)  
  
The Noble Platypus: As if we would let anything harm an Agent! We like our Agents . . . well, the non-imprisoned ones.  
  
AarIIe: Thanks. Innocent fangirls? We should capture them, just for the rarity value. Oh, I *see*. Elves give off magical phermones. Right. And does this count for Aragestelessar too?  
  
Bulma Greenleaf: Glad you liked it. Yeah, I think Pointy's happy. I won't drop into anyone else's stories uninvited - I think that's what got the PPC kicked off, though I could be wrong. No, this is all pure me stuff.  
  
PPC : SIELU: Squee! The PPC noticed me! //Faints; Comes round// That sounds like fun, although this isn't *that* similar to the PPC . . . I hope. But I am an avid (or possible rabid) PPC fan.  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: I guessed why you picked it, I just felt like mixing up names. It's fun! Yeah, Platy is a bit of an odd one. Oh, and even if you did ask me to pose, there's a small matter of distance.  
  
Malfoyelf: Oh, yes, it's all true. Ahem. Yup, I've split the poor world a lot. Poor Arda. At some point I'm going to need all the Agents I can get, for a quick fangirl-killing spree. If you like, we can drag you in for that. I'm glad you like it.  
  
Bilbo-san: Evil homework! Evil school! I think we'll need more Agents soon - Pointy, Platy and Hethien can't do all the work. Oh, of course . . . you can be the Techspert if you like.  
  
And now, here goes. Prepare yourselves, it's gonna be rough . . .  
  
Liliac gave Hethien, Kjersti - Pointy - and Platy their briefing in her purple office. As she read through the prepared speech - "You shall not harm elves. You shal not cause elves to come to harm. You sheal not . . ." - her mind wandered. She contemplated the deep purple of the walls, the lighter lilac splodges spaced over them. She ran her gaze along the lines of purple candles covering every surface, noting those which had gone out and needed replacing. She saw the black wooden door, behind which a fixed blue portal lead to her MEAPS ofice, set into the side of the crater of an extinct volcano further down the chain.  
  
She came to the end of the spiel, and looked back at her two new agents and one veteran. "Do you understand?"  
  
"We do," the trio chorused.  
  
"Good." Liliac nodded. "Go and see Rachel down in Supplies for your equipment, then meet me in the Tech department. Ask for Sarah when you get there."  
  
They nodded their understanding and trooped out through the main door. Liliac sighed and got to her feet. She needed to go and find a suitable Meaps operative to accompany the . . . what was that word of Sarah's? Oh, yes. To accompany the Techspert, the Tech expert, to the Long Lake. Perhaps Blizzard . . . well, she'd decide in a minute. For now, she opened the black door and stepped into the Meaps office.  
  
Hethien led her two new Assistants - Two! What a stupid idea! - down the staircase to Supplies. as they passed out of Assignments, the walls faded from deep purple into red. Each section had its own colour, to aid navigation, unlike some of the other Trans-dimensional organisations; the PPC headquarters, for example, was famously impossible to get around if you were paying attention. Hethien's theory was that the all-grey walls introduced some rather strange space/time anomalies. On the one occasion she'd visited there, she had spent hours wandering around looking for the Head Office before giving up and taking a portal back to Merrylyn at Ispace HQ.  
  
They came finally to the black doors of Rachel's office. Knocking, they entered . . . into a room straight out of history. A blazing log fire in a huge stone fireplace lit the chamber. The red walls were covered with all varieties of weapons from all ages and universes. At the cntre, where the other offices had a desk - that was shoved up against one of the side walls - was a staircase down to the storage catacombs below. Against the back wall stood Rachel.  
  
Her red cloak - of course she had a cloak, *everyone* had a cloak - swirled behind her as she stepped forward. The coffee skinned woman looked at them for a second, and then said, "Tho girls in brown cloaks and a platypus. You must be Liliac's Agents."  
  
Hethien stepped forward. "We are indeed. There are Pointy and Platy, and I am -"  
  
Hethien? interrupted the black haired woman. "Yes, it is you. I'm sorry, I hadn't seen you without Merrylyn before. I heard about what she did, of course, but . . . well." Rachel turned to the other two. "And these are your two . . . *Kjersti*?"  
  
Pointy Ears stared in shock at the Head of Supplies. Platy sighed, and mttered, "Do I have to do everything?" Then, in a louder voice, the creature said, "Yes, it is, but she answers to the name Pointy Ears now. Do you know my pet?"  
  
Rachel nodded slowly. "I know *of* her, certainly. But no matter. You came for the standard kit, yes? Where's that brief . . . ah, yes, a battlefield. If you'll just follow me," and she began to descend the stairs to the caverns beneath the mountain, "we can get you sorted in double time."  
  
Pointy Ears looked at the woman, who turned, smiled sweetly at her, and continued down int the depths.  
  
Liliac stepped from her office into the brightly lit crater where the animals currently under Meaps protection lived. Soon, she anticipated, much of this would be filled with the great dragon Smaug. But for that, she needed an operative . . .  
  
Sariah ran up to her. "Liliac," she called, "we got her!"  
  
The girl in the purple cloak frowned. "Got who?" she asked.  
  
"The new recruit you wanted," replied Sariah. "Blizz got Sauron to release her from Detention."  
  
"Well done Blizzard," Liliac nodded. Then she looked up in surprise. "*Sauron* is running *Detention*?"  
  
The blonde girl smiled. "They found him in one of the Fanfic-spawned realities. Apparently, he'd just been outwitted by a girl of fifteen, and was eager to accept the offer of recruitment. He's painted the entire section black, but we can handle that."  
  
Liliac smiled. "In that case, very well done Blizzard. Pass that message on, please. And send our new operative to me. I think I have a job for her . . ."  
  
Hethien, Pointy and Platy entered the blue lab in the Tech department and looked around. Only one person - a golden haired girl in a royal blue cloak - was visible, and as they stood there she looked up from the machine she was working on.  
  
"Hi," she said, "I'm Sarah. Lili told me you'd be coming. She's waiting through here. Come on."  
  
The girl lead the trio through a door into an office. The two figures before the desk turned, revealing themselves to be Liliac and . . . Hethien gasped in shock as her eyes widened in recognition . . .  
  
* * * *  
  
Phew, that was a long chapter. Maybe the next one will be too, but that comes at the price of long waits. Still, I'm sure you'll survive.  
  
The PPC, by the way, is not my own invention (unlike Ispace). It is the property of . . . well, I'm not entirely sure, but I *do* know where it can be found. Look at misssandman.com/PPC/ppc.html for the original series and the spinoffs. While you're there, look around the rest of misssandman.com. I guarantee that everything there is good reading. Well . . . with the possible exception of the guestbook. Although, considering the questions in that . . .  
  
hS 


	4. Operation: Dragon and Death

Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work we go . . .  
  
Writer From Rivendell: The sad thing is, if you looked hard enough you could probably find some. I'm heavily influenced by what I read. There's probably even a quote in there somewhere. Well, I'm glad you liked it. Oh, yes, I'd like to use EAMA in the next chapter. This may include an appearence by thrir founder, depending on how things pan out.  
  
Merrylyn: Yes, I can make up a load of junk with astounding ease. Maybe I should become a politician. I'm afraid Marcus is very perceptive, though. And no, it's not too late. I'm glad you liked my rooms. I designed them myself . . . well, apart from Liliac's, which she thought up. You realise that giving Liliac anything is a good way to get it burned, don't you?  
  
The Noble Platypus: Yep, a pet human of your very own. And of course you can't be eaten - we need you!  
  
Liliac, the girl with the NORMAL hair: Your hair is not normal. I'm glad you like it, though. And no, I do not have spellcheck. My computer doesn't run Word right now, so I'm in Notepad.  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Okay, she's funny. Okay, distance: Me = England, you = probably America. Comprendez? Now, telling you the story behind Rachel would ruin the plotline, so I can't do that. Aww, not finished OFUM. Shame.  
  
Hirilnara: Liliac asked first, I'm afraid. I wouldn't know what her room looks like, but I'm afraid she gets the dragon. Plus a temporary Balrog next chapter.  
  
Raven Firedragon: Yes, I like Rachel's decorating too. There's a plot? //Looks around// Where? And of course I'll write more. Fool of a Raven.  
  
The Noble Platypus: Yes, well, Pointy is allowed to be confused. There is a point to it, honest. Yes, I know you're a girl, and you will be 'she' sometimes, but not aways. Just like sometimes, Pointy is 'the girl'.  
  
Malfoyelf: Yes, a cliffhanger. Mwahahaha! Ah, excellent, another Agent. The ranks are expanding. And I have updated, and it isn't short. That do?  
  
Right, well, I think it is now time for me to move onto the actual story . . .  
  
Deep in the desolation of Smaug, a glimmering blue portal appeared in the air. If anyone had been watching, they would have seen four girls tumble out, followed by some sort of strange furry duck. They would have watched as the two girls in brown cloaks rose, using the other two as support, and walked off to the north, accompanied by the small brown creature. A short while later, they would have noticed the girl in the royal blue cloak walk off in the opposite direction, the last figure, the one in the lilac cape, tagging along behind. Then, they would have only seen the ashes that remained of a once verdant land. But there was no one watching, and no one saw.  
  
As Hethien walked towards the Lonely Mountain, leading Pointy and Platy, she thought about the shock she had recieved on entering Sarah's office and seeing her former partner sitting at the desk. Had she known that Merrylyn was free, and had been recruited as an operative for the Middle Earth Animal Protection Society, she would never have permitted a MEAPS team to accompany the mission. As the senior Agent here, she, Hethien, had the right to change any part of the operation, provided she had good reason to. And the presence of a fangirl was quite good enough.  
  
At least those two, the fangirl and the techspert, had gone down to the Long Lake, and the remains of Esgaroth. If they had been accompanying the Ispace team, Hethien would have had to be restrained to stop her trying to kill her former partner. Although she was generally a very restrained person, if there was one thing she could not stand it was a traitor.  
  
But there was no time for further reflection. They were coming up on the Wood Elf camp now, and King Thranduil's guards had seen them. Through careful experimentation, Sarah and the tech department had made a variant on the Someone Else's Problem field that made most people accept Ispace Agents, but it still paid to be cautious. There were always some overly-inquisitive people who could gt around an SEP, and the same went for the new version.  
  
In this case, however, there was no trouble. The fact that the brown cloaks looked similar to the costumes of the elves themselves certainly helped, and within minutes the trio were inside the camp, wandering aroung and waiting for the battle to start. There was not long to wait.  
  
The Agents had arrived at the moment at which the battle between elves and dwarves had been halted by Mithrandir and the timely arrival of a horde of orcs from the north. Swiftly, the elves arranged themselves on the lower slopes of Erebor. The Agents prepared their arrays of drugs, which would be used to heal the elves, and also their special StormBows, created by Alice from Tech, the girl who was now helping Merrylyn to retrieve Smaug the Golden.  
  
Further south, near to the abandoned, still-smoking ruins of Lake Town, two girls - one in blue, one in lilac - conversed.  
  
"So, Merrylyn," said the blue-cloaked one, "you're out of Detention. How'd you pull that one off?"  
  
"Oh," replied Merrylyn with false modesty, "you know how it is. Liliac, in her capacity as Head of MEAPS, apparently realised that my talents were too valuable to leave me in Sauron's charge."  
  
She was about to say more when the other interrupted. "I've been wondering - how exactly does a floating red eye wear a cape?"  
  
Merrylyn gaped, and then laughed. "Alice, he's a . . . what's the word, Maia. He can do just about anything he wants." She saw Alice was about to ask again, and sighed. "Alright, I'll tell you. He wears it -"  
  
They were interrupted by a loud crashing as a nearby building collapsed, and looked up to see that they were nearly at the lake. Through the smoke that still rose from the timber buildings they could see the ripples on the water that marked where their target, the great dragon Smaug, had fallen. Alice quickly took a look around, saw that no one was there, and pulled out her specially designed portal generator.  
  
Although it looked similar to an ordinary generator, this one was designed to transport a single body. Using a remote controlled submarine from her bag, the techspert dragged the device out to the huge corpse of the dragon. As soon as it hit the body, the carefully programmed generator let out an almighty blue flash. Alice and Merrylyn covered their eyes, and when they opened them again the dragon was gone.  
  
A second later, a small blue portal appeared above their heads, and a piece of paper wafted down. Written on it, in Liliac's large handwriting and purple in, were two words: Well Done. Alice nodded, satisfied, and, gesturing Merrylyn to follow, set off walking back towards their portal point, where they would wait for the three Ispace Agents.  
  
Away to the north, a battle was raging. All five armies had arrived, and although the elves had not been injured on the first charge, as their arrows had been multiplied by Hethien's StormBow - Pointy's had malfunctioned - which released multiple shots simeltaneously, there were now many casualties among Thranduil's army.  
  
Amongst them rushed Hethien, Pointyand Platy, each administering aid in their own way. Where Hethien would place a mask over a distressed elf's face, giving him breathable drugs to increase his strength and healing rate, Pointy preferred to drop pills into their mouths. Hethien thought the girl perhaps spent a little too much time giving mouth to mouth to elves who probably didn't need it, but she always moved on soon enough. The Noble Platypus, being so short, simply ran around with syringes in her beak, injecting elves with medicine and orcs with poison.  
  
Pointy had just put the elf's corpse down on the ground - the third who her efforts had been insufficient to save - and looked up, searcing for another in need of assistance, when a shadow fell over her. She looked up to see a great goblin chieften staring down at her. As she was sure her SEP would protect her she stayed motionless, kneeling beside the fallen elf. Then she felt a burning sensation against her ribs, and knew with cold certainty that the SEP, that supposedly perfect device, had just exploded.  
  
The orc's expression turned to one of rage, and it swung its axe downtowards her. Pointy covered her eyes, waiting for the blow that would end her life.  
  
The blow never fell. Pointy felt warm blood falling on her face, and looked up to see a short, man-like figure, barely half her height. Glancing down, she noted the hairy feet that identified him as a hobbit, and then looked back up to meet the eyes of Bilbo Baggins. He nodded once to her, his eyes filled with a mixture of rage and fear, said, "You were lucky I was here," and then ran off towards the King's bodyguards.  
  
The battle had passed her location now, and she ws in shock, so she did not move. So it was that, at the end of the battle, it was only through luck that Platy found her, lying amongst the dead. Nevertheless the little creature did come, and, muttering through a closed beak, dragged Pointy to where Hethien was waiting.  
  
The senior Agent had just come back from the mountain pass, to which she had followed the last of the orcs, accompanying a party of elves. Now that she had her entire team back together, she wasted no time in opening up a portal to the point at which Alice and Merrylyn were waiting.  
  
Stepping out, Platy and the now-recovered Pointy Ears behind her, Hethien looked at Alice and asked, "Did you accomplish your mission?"  
  
"We did indeed," replied the techspert. "The dragon is safely in the Ispace crater, and we went unobserved."  
  
"Excellent. Then I need waste no more time. Let us leave at once."  
  
With that, she opened another blue portal, stepped through, and crossed in an instant the dimensions that seperated her from home.  
  
* * * *  
  
Well, that's done. Phew, it was hard. Oh, yes, I have to say this: in two chapters there will be a major incident of the fangirl variety. I will need a large number of Agents, other than the five (not counting the Meaps operatives, who may tag along) I've already got. Yes, that includes Bilbo-san and Malfoyelf.  
  
What was it . . . oh yeah. Please review. Pleeeeeease?  
  
hS 


	5. Elves Invade, Fear Their Wrath

Yes, I'm sorry, it's been a while. Don't kill me.  
  
The Noble Platypus: Strap on spurs, poisonous. Gottit. Lots of dead fangirls coming up.  
  
Writer From Rivendell: Yup, Hitchhiker fan. Very much so. Glad you liked it.  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: I'm glad you like it. Ooh, a new recruit. Or three, depending on how you look at it. Welcome to Ispace. Cloaks mandatory.  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Hmm, nice life you have. Good, but I'm afraid you still need the cloak.  
  
Hirilnara: //Writes note// No . . . burn . . . Alicia . . . right. Gottit.  
  
Malfoyelf: I'm glad you liked it!  
  
Merrylyn: See? Freedom is nice. Don't do anything to jepardise it. Cloning . . . ooh. We already cloned Shadowfax, I'm sure we can do it for you. With enough plot around it, o'course. Well, I'm glad you like it.  
  
Bulma Greenleaf: Well, ff.net probably didn't like your review. These things happen.  
  
Pointy Ears: Don't complain just because you can't shoot straight. And I'm sure the Raven will appreciate being called evil and scary . . . it's accurate.  
  
Black Rider of Gondor: Another male? How rare . . . but we need a few more Agents, so welcome aboard. Oh, and ISPCE = Interdimentional Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Elves.  
  
Pointy Ears: M'kay. The word 'Everywhere' in our name is actually short for 'Everywhere There Are Elves, And Where Huinesoron Knows About'. Unfortunately, ISPCETAEAWHKA is an annoyingly long name, so . . . yeah. I've never read the Demon Wars, so I can't do anything. Sorry. Ooh, nice poem. Almost as good as OFUM's Bombadil writes. Aww, what a sad plot. Oh, right, *those* Bondbirds. Mage Wars, and that place beginning with a V. I remember now. And yes, you can review as often as you want. It's fine.  
  
Liliac: Yes, you have a dragon. Use him wisely. Alright, apologies on the tag along. Will a balrog make you feel better?  
  
And now, finally . . .  
  
Liliac stepped through the portal between her offices with a smile. Her lovely Smaug was all settled in, and Kellex had organised a short mission while she'd been distracted with the dragon. Normally she wouldn't have appreciated this, but when he and Spyra had brough back a real live balrog - from the reality with the pancaking Legolas, the one she had visited a while back - Liliac had decided that a little independance was a good thing. Especially if it got her new pets.  
  
There was but one thing that stopped her going totally hyper and setting fire to everything in sight, which was that she was now obliged to report to the Head of Admin on the success of the missions. This was the first time an Agent/Tech team had worked together in the field, and Glorfindel had to know.  
  
The route to the Admin area was long, but not particularly complicated. The main problem with it was that it was all uphill, and also passed through several other departents. Thus the walls changed from deep purple to white, then again on to yellow. Marcus waved to her from his office, and she sighed. That man was far too cheerful. She had no idea how he had become a department head, still less Training, where there were all those young minds to corrupt.  
  
Finally, after one last torturous flight of stairs, she came into the cool green corridors of the Administration section. Stopping for breath, she glanced down and noticed that her cloak was still flipped, leaving her in her role as head of Meaps, not Assignments. Quickly, she removed it and swapped it round, putting the lilac as the lining and the darker purple on the outside, visible. The MEAPS badge rested on her left shoulder, still showing her membership even when she was on Ispace duty.  
  
The girl stepped into the antechamber to find quite a group already there. Sarah had come up from Tech, presumably to make a similar report to Liliac's own. Hethien, her Agent, had also arrived. Liliac wasn't entirely sure why, but it was probably a report on how the new Agents, Pointy and Platy, were faring. There were a couple of older Agents, who gave her a brisk nod. Blibo-san and Malfoyelf were veterans now, recruited at the very beginning. They had, in fact, been assigned permanantly as Agents of the Admin sector, a fact reflected by their dark green cloaks.  
  
There was also one more person in the room, and it was her that Liliac went to sit next to. The other girl was obviously not an Ispace member, a fact evidenced by her lack of cloak. As such, she was likely the cause of the delay, and Liliac was one of those people who simply had to know what was going on.  
  
"Hi," she said, sitting down next to the stranger, "I'm Liliac, head of Assignments. I don't recognise you . . . are you from around here?"  
  
The other girl smiled. "No, actually, I'm not. I'm WfR, the founder of -"  
  
Liliac held up a hand. "I'm sorry, you're who?"  
  
The other smiled again. "Sorry, force of habit. I'm Writer from Rivendell. I'm the founder of the EAMA - Elves Against Movie!Arda - of which your leader is a very active member."  
  
Liliac frowned. "Against *what*?"  
  
WfR sighed. "Movie!Arda. It's Middle-Earth as shown in those films that have been causing so many dimensional splits. It's . . . look, do you want me to give you one of our leaflets?"  
  
Liliac nodded mutely. WfR reached into her bag and, after a bit of searching, handed over a sheet of paper. Liliac was about to look at it when the wooden door to Glorfindel's office creaked open and three elves came out. One of them she clearly recognised as Haldir. Of course he would be there, he was the elf with most cause to complain about the movies. After all, they had led to him dying!  
  
The others looked enough alike that Liliac guessed they were father and son, and when one turned and she saw his face, she knew. This was Brunette!Legolas and his father, Nice!Thranduil. It was very rare to encounter them nowadays - the use of Orlando Bloom to play a blonde elf in the films had led to hordes of the fair version, along with his abusive father. Saving Legolas from his father was becoming a full time job for the Ispace Agents. Rumour had it that Glorfindel was looking into creating a new department for that specific purpose.  
  
Writer from Rivendell rose, and then looked back down at Liliac and said, "It was nice talking to you, Liliac. Please remember to look at the leaflet." With that, she led the three elves out through the arch that led into daylight, and off down the mountain.  
  
Liliac glanced at the sheet of paper in her hand. The first words caught her eye, dragging her on to the next sentence. She read the whole thing through twice before folding it away again.  
  
EAMA - Elves Against Movie!Arda: Help fix the portrayal of Middle Earth as by Peter Jackson! Fix hobbit canon! Cheat someone by selling them a scummy pony not worth twelve pennies! Entrap them in a willow tree! Just don't take them to Osgilath! Fix elf canon - kill the Mary Sues! Have Glorfindel ride in Arwen's place! And most of all, don't take elves to Helm's Deep! Join today! *Brought to you by WfR, founder of EAMA. ^.~*  
  
She waited for a moment, thinking, and then started to walk towards Glorfindel's office. Before she could get there, however, a fearful sound split the air. Like a nazgul screech, but far louder and longer, it heralded something far worse than a mere ringwraith. This meant an attack by the most hideous of all being was occuring, somewhere, and was occuring in huge numbers.  
  
The fangirls were on the rampage.  
  
* * * *  
  
All done. Now all I have to do is beg for reviews //Begs for reviews// and say that we still need more Agents, although our numbers are growing. Byebye!  
  
hS 


	6. Fight For Your Life

And now, after far too long, I am returned.  
  
Liliac: Um. List of Departments. I've lost it right now, but I'll get that up next chapter or so.  
  
Writer from Rivendell: Why do I always write people right? Ah, well. Er . . . does this count as 'the next few weeks'?  
  
Hirilnara: You're often hyper, aren't you?  
  
Pointy Ears Are My Thing: Ack! Stupid mothers! And I know nothing about Valdemar-ficverse, so excuse my utter stupidity.  
  
The Noble Platypus: Yes, we only go in for organised chaos around here.  
  
Malfoyelf: Yeah, well, I was rushed. And I'm afraid you'll have to ask WfR for a leaflet. Or not.  
  
Lady of Mowzerness: Yes, you can be an Agent. Have fun.  
  
UnDeadGoat: Yes, Word was broken. But I think it's fixed now. And I've read HDM . . . why? What did I do?  
  
Legolas Greenleaf: I'm afraid Platy has been acting without permission from any of us here at Ispace. Sorry.  
  
Liliac of the purple cloak and broken hearted: Your answer is in the review above.  
  
Hirilnara: //Mutters// Fangirl.  
  
Fireblade K'Chona: We're sorry about the cloak, but it's the only uniform we've got, so . . . yeah. And don't worry, the birds don't have to talk to anyone if they don't want to.  
  
KittyCatBlack: If we have any more room for Agents, I'll remember you. And I'm glad you liked it.  
  
Isilhen: Yay! A devoted reader AND spinoffer!  
  
O-kay then. I'm sorry about the wait, but this story had to be tied in perfectly with the current chapters of 'Pancakes' and 'The Boromir Saga' as well. They also tie in with Hirilnara's 'Diary of a Pancake Fangirl', but that won't be up 'til later. This, however is going up. Now.  
  
With the onset of the Alarm, Agents and Department Heads gathered in the Admin foyer. Everyone was there - Sauron in his black cloak, the Medical team, led by Elanor Gamgee, in white . . . even Rachel from Supplies had turned up, and was distributing a variety of interesting weapons to the assembled.  
  
Glorfindel swept out of his office, green cloak billowing around him. Bilbo- san and Malfoyelf stepped into guard positions at his side as he spoke to the assembled horde.  
  
"We are in danger of failing our obligation to my people. An elf is under attack by a fangirl swarm, and we have done nothing to prevent this.  
  
"A greater swarming has not been seen since the Great Breakthrough when the Lord of the Rings film was released. We will use all available resources. Liliac, can MEAPS help us out?"  
  
"Of course," said Liliac. "If you'll excuse me, I'll go and arrange things with Sariah and Kellex."  
  
Glorfindel nodded his ascent, and she ran from the room. As she left, she heard him start up again. Dramatic speeches were his thing, and he wasn't going to miss a chance like this.  
  
As soon as Liliac burst into her Meaps office, Sariah started talking. "We've got Smaug all settled in, and the Balrog's getting comfortable, and Lax and Doomy are going to -"  
  
Liliac cut her off. "We've got a full scale emergency on our hands. There's a fangirl swarm bearing down on some defenceless elf. We're going to help Ispace fight them off. Call everyone up here. Now."  
  
Within minutes, the nine Meaps operatives were assembled in Liliac's office. Looking at them, she explained the situation. As she finished, Merrylyn said, "Ooh, he'll like this." Then she grabbed a portal generator from the desk and flicked a few switches.  
  
As Merrylyn, lilac cloak billowing, jumped through the blue portal, Spyra cried, "I'll follow her!" and leapt after. The portal snapped shut with a twang, and Liliac looked at Sariah. The other shrugged.  
  
"She'll be back," said the Meaps second in command, "don't worry."  
  
"I'm sure she will," replied Liliac calmly. Then an evil glint came into her eye. "Did you say Smaug was settled?"  
  
"Uh . . . yes," replied Sariah, suddenly wary. Liliac grinned.  
  
"Let's go and see how he is, shall we?"  
  
The entire population of the Ispace Mountain gathered on the flattened area near the summit. Glorfindel stood at the front, his back to the huge drop. He was on the verge of leaving without Liliac's lot, who had not yet arrived, when suddenly a glint of gold caught his eye. It grew rapidly, until at last Smaug the Golden landed on the slope above the assembled. From his neck, Liliac waved down.  
  
"Hi!" she called. "You don't mind if my pet comes along, do you?"  
  
"Of course not," the elf replied. "The more the merrier."  
  
With that, he pulled out his portal generator. Around the perimeter of the crowd, several Agents - Fireblade K'chona, the Black Rider of Gondor and the Lady of Mowzerness among them - duplicated the action, preparing to open a ring portal and transport the entire group.  
  
As the generators started to hum, there was a flash of light and a rectangular door opened in the air. Through it walked two people in black, followed by Merrylyn and Spyra. Looking around at the group, Merrylyn said, "Are we too late?"  
  
Smaug popped into existence hovering above a huge empty field, and immediately settled on the grass to allow his passengers to dismount. Liliac was going to stay on, but when she saw the dark-clothed elf waiting for them, she changed her mind.  
  
"Hey, cutey," she said, hopping down. The elf looked over and sighed.  
  
"Hello, Liliac. I should have known you'd be here."  
  
Her eyes widened. "What, not happy to see me, Huinesoron?"  
  
Huinesoron smiled. "Of course I am. If I need protecting, I'm sure you'll be the one to help. And I *do* need protecting. You know why you're here, yes?"  
  
Liliac nodded. "Fangirls. They found you?"  
  
He nodded grimly. "I'm not sure how, but it seems so. And Elanhin's wandered off, so you lot are all I've got to defend me right now."  
  
Liliac shrugged. "Well -"  
  
She was cut off by a loud avian screech. Looking up, she saw a pair of kestrels diving towards the group. At the last second they pulled up and came to rest on Fireblade's shoulders. Looking over at Liliac, the Agent said, "Fangirls. Churr and Kell saw them. They're almost here."  
  
"Quick!" called Huinesoron, his voice reaching all the assembled Ispacers. "Prepare for battle! They are coming!" With that, he ran off back towards his base, followed by a small group of Ispacers - Glorfindel and Rachel leading, several Agents following behind. The rest of the team set up a perimeter. Then there was nothing to do but wait.  
  
They did not have to wait for long.  
  
The battle itself was a blur. The fangirls swarmed over the plain before the base and were repulsed. But again they attacked, and each wave came ever closer, until at last the battle raged across the entire plain. Near the front, Pointy and Platy fought together, Pointy with conventional weapons and Platy with strap on poison spurs, specially created for her.  
  
Slowly, however, the Agents were drawn apart. Platy found herself in the midst of a group of fangirls all identically clad in black, and soon started having fun. Pointy, on the other hand, was pushed towards the centre of the battle, until at last she was pushed out into the entrance of Huinesoron's base.  
  
Her brown cloak had been lost somewhere in the fight, leaving only nondescript clothing. As she tumbled into the area directly before the Base, she had a moment to notice the space around her before her world dissolved into fire and pain.  
  
Rachel lowered her flamethrower. She hadn't needed to use it too much - Huinesoron's Mini-Balrog Thanduril had done most of the work - but it had been most satisfying. Up until now, she had been busy handing out weaponry, mainly to the two PPC agents who had turned up. They had been brought in by Agent Merrylyn, with barely a chance to get organised. As a result, they required large numbers of interesting weapons.  
  
Rachel watched as the girl ran in circles, screaming as her hair and skin burnt away. Then a platypus leapt out of the crowd. "Pointy!" it screamed, and threw itself onto the girl.  
  
Platy had heard Pointy screaming from a reasonable distance, and had immediately turned and run for the noise. "My pet had better not be hurt!" she panted as she ran. Then she burst out and found herself atop the other Agent, trying to douse the flames. Fortunately, Huinesoron saw the problem and threw a quick ball of water at the pair, but Pointy was seriously injured. Worse, pulling the medical team from the battlefield could mean the loss of the battle itself.  
  
But all was not lost. At that very moment, help arrived. Unlooked for, unhoped for, Legolas, Lord of the Pancakes, burst from a swirling blue portal with his Assistants. It later emerged that they had been brought by Elanhin, Huinesoron's conspicuously absent Assistant, but at the time they seemed to have been sent by the Valar themselves.  
  
And perhaps they were, for who can fathom the mind of a God. Whatever the truth, when, a few moments later, an army of elves charged into the back row of the fangirl horde, several of the Ispacers glanced up to the sky and muttered quick thank-you messages to whoever might be listening.  
  
Liliac sat astride Smaug, watching the battle. When the fangirl horde was still fairly condensed, she had occasionally gone on strafing runs, but now there was too great a chance of hitting Ispacers, or some of the new arrivals.  
  
Off to her left, she could see a great Oliphaunt. Sariah sat astride it, and behind came the other MEAPS Operatives, Balrogs - or at least, one Balrog - in their train. Fangirls were crushed before them, but still the horde came onwards.  
  
Directly below Liliac was a group of the newcomers, elves mixed in with a couple of humans. One of those, a girl in a blue cloak, seemed vaguely familiar. Liliac thought for a moment, and then it clicked.  
  
Smaug set her down right beside the group. Hopping off, she joined them. Sarah looked over at her.  
  
"Oh, hi Liliac."  
  
Liliac smiled at the Head of Tech. "Hey Sarah," she replied, "glad you could make it. Having fun?"  
  
Liliac saw the twinkle in Sarah's eye as the girl spun, stabbed a fangirl coolly and efficiently, and turned back. "Oh, definitely."  
  
"Good, good. Wouldn't want . . ." Liliac's voice trailed off as she saw Legolas a little way off, and, more importantly, what was happening behind him. The world seemed to slow down as a blonde fangirl crept up behind the Elf Lord. A few more steps and she would ensnare him. Liliac swore under her breath, and then cried, "LEGOLAS! BEHIND YOU!"  
  
As Legolas turned to confront his attacker, Liliac called down Smaug. The great golden dragon plunged from the sky, coming in over the field in a strafing run. As he passed over Liliac, he grasped her in one giant paw. Then, after a burst of flame, he had passed the fangirl, and was desperately weaving to lose airspeed.  
  
From her position between his talons, Liliac had a single glimpse of the fangirl, hair ablaze after Smaug's attack, running back, away from Legolas. Then the dragon's wing crossed her vision, and the fangirl was gone.  
  
The battle raged for many hours after that, all the events blurring into one. Liliac remembered nothing distinctly, just sensations of heat and pain, images of flame and fangirls, smells of smoke and burning flesh mixed with boiling mud.  
  
And then it was over. The bodies lay, at least until they could be gathered together. Then the fangirls were burnt, and those who had fallen in Huinesoron's defence revived by Sarah and her technological wizardry. And then . . . everyone left, to continue their normal lives.  
  
* * * *  
  
And thus it ends. The chapter, not the series. I can't promise regular updates, though.  
  
What I *can* promise, though, is that you don't have to stop reading here! Three spinoffs of Ispace have arisen in my long absence! All three are linked from my Bio, or can be found under the accounts of Hirilnara, Liliac of the Purple Cloak, and Isilhen. Yay!  
  
hS 


End file.
